It's Been awhile.

Hello to all who have been reading my blog I know that it has been awhile (which is a line form a great song if any one can name it I would give you props) since I have updated my blog. I am sorry for that, this blog has me sharing things that are very deep and personal and if you know me at all this is something that I do not do. It has been very difficult but enjoyable for me to do this since it has forced me to look at several issues in my life. Lately have been in a very big and deep slump and as such have not felt like doing anything let alone posting on a blog but, I am starting to come out of it now and there will be more post to come.

Pride or is it Fear?

I have been thinking for a while now why is it that I don't let people see who I really am. Now let me first say that I have been blessed with some of the greatest friends in the world and I don't mean that like middle school or high school girls say that everyone is there best friend, I mean that I would take a bullet for them and I feel confident that they would for me. With friends like these you would think that they would know everything about me, but why is it that they don't? Is it pride that I do not let people know the whole me and the things in life that I struggle with. The constant struggle that I have with the same sins that keep committing.


I feel that to some extant it is pride that stops me, I feel whether it is true or not that I need to show that I am ok and that I am not going through some serous and difficult struggles even though this is not true by any means. However for the most part I feel that it is fear that stops me from letting people know what is going on in my life. Fear that they will not accept me for who I am, or that they might feel that I have been lying to them since I was not providing them with what is going on with me, and just saying it is ok. I also seem to fear that if my struggles get out that my life will be changed in very dramatic ways, and that scares me since I do not like change.

I guess the next question I should be asking my self is why do I have these fears. It does not seem to me that others do even though I am sure that there are those out there that do. I feel however that in my circle of friends that I am the only one that struggles in this particular way. For example people have been getting on my case about not updating my blog often enough I feel that this problem come back to the fear I have of sharing my self. It is so hard for me to even write this that it has taken me almost a month to write it and even longer for me to decide to post it.

The last question I need to ask and perhaps it should be the first is what does the bible say about this, and how can I use the scriptures to help me get through this problem. One verse I have found that has given me some guidance is Galatians 6:1-5 and it reads as follows.

Galatians 6

Doing Good to All

1Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. 2Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. 3If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself. 4Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else, 5for each one should carry his own load.

When I read through this I find that it confuses me. Which is weird since I usually find that the bible does not confuse me. To clarify this I mean that reading the bible tends to give me more question than answers but I always seem to be able to figure out what I need to get out a particular passage, but with this one it eludes me. Maybe this is because this is such a major struggle for me.

I would like to close with this. I do not know the answers to these question. I don't know that if I were to change assuming that I need to change that it would help or hinder my friendships, I only know that it something I need to figure out and with as much as it bugs me I thought that it might help others if they are going through this to that they are not alone. I would also like to thank you for reading this since I know that I am a horrible writer and this is probably painfully on organized and well thought out, not to mention that the grammar is probably really bad.

National Porn Sunday!!

Hello everyone I have just started attending a new church. What don't I work at one some of you may be asking well I am not leaving John Wesley I am just trying out a new form of church that will help me to be fed. I find it hard to be fed at John Wesley not because of the church or who preaches or on what (just to hopefully stop any emails I would get), It is just hard for me to be fed and grow in the same place that I pour out my life. The new church I am attending is actually a church that is only online, at life church.

This Sunday the Church discussed a topic of which I have found more and more important over the past few years as I have met many people that have been struggling with this issue. The issue of which I speak is being addicted to pornography. The stats here our just mind boggling. Here are some I pulled off of the xxxchurch website. After you read these or as you read these please watch the video at the bottom of this post, I found it to be very powerful and that it can related to any struggles you have in life.

Get The Facts

One of the problems with porn is it makes you feel that you are all alone. The reality is that you are not. Check out the stats below and see how many people are involved in the world of porn.

Pornography Industry Statistics
	Size of the Industry	$57.0 billion world-wide - $12.0 billion US
	Adult Videos	$20.0 billion
	Escort Services	$11.0 billion
	Magazines	$7.5 billion
	Sex Clubs	$5.0 billion
	Phone Sex	$4.5 billion
	Cable & Pay Per View	$2.5 billion
	Internet	$2.5 billion
	CD-ROM	$1.5 billion
	Novelties	$1.0 billion
	Other	$1.5 billion

Porn revenue is larger than all combined revenues of all professional football, baseball, and basketball franchises.

US porn revenue exceeds the combined revenues of ABC, CBS, & NBC (6.2 billion).

Child pornography generates $3 billion annually.

Internet Porn Statistics
	Pornographic Website's	4.2 million (12% of total website's)
	Pornographic Pages	372 million
	Daily Pornographic Search Engine Requests	68 million (25% of total search engine requests)
	Daily Pornographics Emails	2.5 billion (8% of total emails)
	Avg. Daily Pornographic Emails/User	4.5 per internet user
	Monthly Pornographic downloads (Peer-to-peer)	1.5 billion (35% of all downloads)
	Daily Gnutella "child pornography" requests	116 thousand
	Website's offering illegal child pornography	100 thousand
	Sexual solicitations of youth made in chat rooms	89%
	Youths who received sexual solicitation	20%
	Worldwide visitors to pornographic web sites	72 million annually
Children's Exposure to Pornography
	Average age of first Internet exposure to pornography	11 years old
	Largest Consumer of Internet Pornography	12-17 age group
	15-17 year olds having multiple hardcore exposures	80%
	8-16 year olds having viewed porn online	90% (most while doing homework)
	7-17 year olds who would freely give out home address	29%
	7-17 year olds who would freely give out email addresses	14%
	Children's characters linked to thousands of porn links	26 (including Pokeman and Action Man)
Adult Internet Porn Statistics
	Men admitting to accessing porn at work	20%
	US adults who regularly visit internet porn sites	40 million
	Promise Keepers men who viewed porn in the last week	53%
	Christians who say porn is a major problem in the home	47%
	Adults admitting to internet sexual addiction	10%
	Breakdown of male/female visitors to porn sites	72% male - 28% female
Women & Pornography
	13% of Women admit to accessing porn at work.
	70% of women keep their cyber activities secret.
	17% of all women struggle with pornography addiction.
	Women, far more than men, are likely to act out their behaviors in real life, such as having multiple partners, casual sex, or affairs.
	Women favor chat rooms 2X's more than men.
	1 out of 3 visitors to adult website's are women.
	9.4 million women access adult website's each month.

More to come

Hey guys I am not sure how many people actually read this however there is more to come. I am working on a few really big post that concern some major issues that I deal with so it take me a little while to work out what to write. If you know me at all you know that writing is not my strong point, so it take me a while to work out how to say things. Any way people there is more to come by the end of the week.

TV!!!!

Well it is that time of year again premier week for all the major networks. For those of you who don't know what that is this is the week when all the networks broadcast all there new shows and bring back the old one so we can continue with there story lines.

I love T.V. it is the best way that I have found for me to relax and let the troubles of the world go away for a little while even if it is only for an hour or two. I have over the last two years really become a fan of watching the pilot episodes of new shows and trying to figure out how long they will last. How ever I will say that this year I am especially pumped about a couple of shows this year, the first one is CSI: Las Vegas, and the second is The Unit.

I hear from a lot of people that my passion for T.V. is bad or even unhealthy. I would have to disagree with these people because I don't think they really understand how I watch T.V. or how it affects my life. I watch T.V. in order to relax and most of the time it is just on in the back round while I do other things like school work or stuff of the Church. If I let T.V. control my life meaning that I would not do things or go places in order to watch it, T.V. come second to getting the things I need to do done.

In conclusion I guess all I am saying is that I think that Maybe I should go to God for relaxation and comfort from my troubles but I also feel that he gives all different passions and ways to relax in the world. For some it would be reading or listing to music or maybe making muffins but, for me it is Television.

Discipline

I have decided that the biggest problem that I have in life is a lack of discipline. Any of the big issue I have in life can traced back to the fact that I have a lack of discipline. A lack of Discipline is why I can not play the guitar I have never had the discipline to practice. I have lots of money troubles because I am not disciplined enough to follow a budget or say no I can't go out to eat. A good example of this is hapening right now as I write this I have purchased a laptop bag off of the Mozilla store website, I have no idea what made me think I should I have no money it is a lack of discipline. My lack of Discipline goes deeper than not being able to learn an instrument or stick to a budget it goes as deep as my relationship with Christ. Lately my growing in my relationship with Christ has slowed almost to a halt why NO Discipline. I lack the discipline to spend the time with him that I need to in order to grow in him. I feel that this problem is not mine alone I feel that it is one of the biggest reasons for the slow deteriorating of our society.

Money

Why is that I am so bad with money and that I can't just trust God to provide for me like he is supposed to. Why do I ether worry about having enough of it constantly, or spend it on stupid things leaving my self unable to pay all my bills. Its funny how I can justify the purchase of any peace of electrical equipment with out any hesitation but tithing to church or any other organization is hard for me to. I mean they are doing God's work but I can't seam to ever have money to give them but, a new cell phone no problem I will find a way. Maybe this goes to a deapper lack of trust in God to what he says he is going to do.